My life could be a indian movie

This is a mythic sketch from the show 'The Perfect Jackass' with two of the future four members of «Gato Fedorento» (Smelly Cat).



For Heni.
My translation of it, I may say that it's not at its best.

Host - We inaugurate today and here in The Perfect Jackass the program 'My life could be an Indian movie'. In this first section we have today with us Mr. Anísete Barbosa (Series Barbosa), Good Evening.
Barbosa - Good Evening.
Host - And I would like to ask, to begin with ... Mr. Anísete what life episode of your life could be an Indian movie.
Barbosa - It was this day when i came out, in the morning, from my house. I jumped in the car. I go to Afiais by the new road, so... Are you with a make up?
Host - Yes, why?
Barbosa - Nothing, it fits you well, that color.
Host - You like it?
Barbosa - I do. I usually only put on a little peach ... and a little cream.
Host - It looks nice with your skin.
Barbosa - But...
Host - Next.
Barbosa - To Afiais as one would go to...I turn and cut. Then what happens? I'm kidnapped. I'm kidnapped by four guys with socks in their heads. I'm kidnapped then they take me to the woods... and then they push me out of the car and start kicking me. But notice! That it wasn't little kicks, it was strong, heavy kicks. Well, then i say 'My friends, this that you are doing isn't right. This isn't well done because this upset me. I have to be someplace at eleven o'clock. Now it's ten and a half, and this doesnt even fit in my way'. And one of them says: 'But ain't you that Moreira that was in debt with Rui de Avindes because of a bet in cascais' races? Then I say: 'No'. And they said: 'So, we apologise. This was a mistake'. Well...
Host - So, they even said they were sorry?
Barbosa - They did.
Host - It's something else when this happens between educated people. Then what happened?
Barbosa - I stand up, and I enter in the woods to the way out. Then what follows? I step into poo. This is people that come and make 'picnics', goes disappointed, and then they are not careful to correctly remove the poo. Who gets screwed up? Me. Well then when I'm searching for a little stick to rip it from the shoe, three woodcutters show up. Three woodcutters, ah and something they say: 'Come here we want to rape you'. And I: 'Now I am screwed! '. They begin the raping against a pine tree and I see hours passing by.
Host - Honestly, it's when people are late that everything falls on you.
Barbosa - Falls on everything. Well then they end and go away. I pull my pants up and I leave. But I fall into a Bear's trap. It hits me here - points to his right leg - It is made of iron and I'm left with a broken leg. I move on and a bear appears. And I right away noticed that he was looking for to also rape me. But pah... He starts rapping me, the bear.
Host - This is bad luck.
Barbosa - Bad luck...look...I here have to leave a word of appreciation to the bear. Because the three woodcutters were rude people, brute people from the rural areas. However, the bear was a kind animal. A kind animal that the only problem it had, was loneliness.
Host - Deeply, you became friends.
Barbosa - We became friends. An appeal to the bear: Bear, if you are listening. One of the woodcutters before you didn't use condom. Go and get blood tests because I'm suspicious of him.
Host - Ahh...The appeal stays on. And then, Anísete, what happened?
Barbosa - I leave that place, go home. I arrive and there is my wife in the bed with a guy. It later came into my knowledge that he was a mozambician (from Mozambique). And then I say to her: 'Alsira, I have a broken leg. Come here and get me a bandage, please'. Then my son comes in. And he says: 'Daddy, I've just signed in the Boy Scouts'. And I then I lost my mind. The day was going well... and that faggot comes in ... who signed in the Boy Scouts.
Host - Really...
Barbosa - If the kid was smoking drugs, it would be OK, it's manhood. But Boy Souts?! What is that!? And this is my story.
Host - Ahm...Thank you. Thank you very much, Anísete, it is clearly an interesting story but how is it related to a Indian movie?
Barbosa - That's the funny part. Why? Before all this, I had eaten a curry which is Indian. And more.. the woodcutters while they were waiting their turn to rape me ... they formed an indian line. And when I arrive home, the guy in the bed with my wife had cowboy boots. Who is it that is always fighting cowboys? The indians.
Host - Eh...So to end this ... instead of having eaten a curry, if you had eaten a russian salad this could came up as a...
Barbosa - A chinese movie.
Host - Thank you. This was 'My life could be a Indian movie'. Good Evening.